atsman (atsman) wrote,
atsman
atsman

О САМОСЕ И ВИДИМЫХ МЕНЬШИНСТВАХ

ГОВОРЯТ, с кем поведёшься, от того и наберёшься. Так дважды случилось с нами, с Атсманами. Раньше мы жили в Скарборо, в восточной части Большого Торонто, и ели преимущественно китайскую еду, теперь живём в западной и едим индийскую. Каждый день у нас на столе то панир, то чатни, то ещё что-нибудь эдакое, один Бог знает что. А любимой едой стали самосы. Вкусны эти горячие, с пылу, с жару, пирожки! Их и заказывать удобно. Легонько скользнул язык, сомкнулись и снова разомкнулись губы - "са-мо-са". "Гимми десяток самос, плииз". А попробуй закажи какую-нибудь бхинди масалу или панир бхруджи! Во-первых, язык сломаешь, а, во-вторых, кто его знает, какого макхни они туда насовали. C месяц назад, обзаведясь новым фэмили доктором, мы заодно открыли для себя едальню, в которой три самосы стоят один доллар! Для сравнения: в даунтауне одна стоит не то доллар, не то два. Буфет далековат, зато там всего за пятнадцать долларов можно набрать еды на всю толпу, а иногда ешё и остаётся на завтра. Вот и сегодня я доедал, макая в сладко-острый соус, жирную вчерашнюю самосу.

1

Кстати, о самосах. Только что прочитал, что самоса - то же самое, что наша, среднеазиатская, самса. Это неправда. Здешние самосы - другие. Наши - киргизские, узбекские - с мясом. Их пекут (во всяком случае, те, что я ел в юности, в молодости, были выпеченными). Эти же - вегетарианские, с картошкой, горохом, жаренные во фритюре, жирные, и на этом спасибо. Что до пирожков (выше я назвал самосу пирожком), каюсь, неправ. Назвать так самосу или самсу всё равно, что назвать пирожком рыбник, перемяч или чебурек.

Но вернёмся к нашим баранам. Мы перебрались в Брэмптон и поменяли уклад жизни по двум причинам. Во-первых, от нового дома близко до работы одному из членов нашей семьи (до неё отсюда километров десять или двадцать, не больше), во-вторых, здесь была дешевле недвижимость. Действительно, мы немного выиграли, продав один дом и купив задёшево другой, но прошло несколько лет, цены на недвижимость взлетели кверху как космический корабль с Байконура, и теперь, если мы и будем продавать дом с тем, чтобы заработать на его продаже, то новый дом придётся искать за тридевять земель, в местной Воркуте или на Колыме, далеко за Полярным кругом. И тут я вплотную подхожу к объяснению причины, почему мы едим индийскую еду.

У нашего города есть несколько названий. Одно из них - Браунтаун (Browntown), Коричневый город. Его город получил, потому что больше трети его населения (38.4%), как утверждают авторитетные источники, это visible minority, видимое меньшинство, родом из Южной Азии - из Индии и Пакистана. Думаю, не надо напоминать, что индийцы и пакистанцы темнокожи. Чуть меньше южноазиатов белых (Caucasian, или white people) - их 32.9%. Остальные - visible minorities из других частей света. Если думать, что число предприятий общественного питания пропорционально численности населения, то приходится соглашаться с тем, что треть ресторанов города - индийские. Вот и получается, что шанс отведать индийской стряпни у нас гораздо выше, чем шанс взять в рот китайскую.

Такая картина не только в Онтарио. Взять Бритиш Коламбию. В Большом Ванкувере видимые меньшинства составляют 62.1%, в Ричмонде их ещё больше - 70.4%. Ещё больше видимых у нас в Маркхаме - 72.3%. Даже в, казалось бы, белом Ричмонд Хилле их 52.9%. Однако в перечисленных городах большинство видимых, думаю, не индийцы, а китайцы, поэтому население там, скорее всего, сидит не на индийской, а на китайской диете.

Понятно, что, чем дальше от больших городов, тем видимых меньше. В Онтарио рекордно малые цифры демонстрируют города, расположенные под боком у Штатов. В Оквилле, откуда родом Илья, меньшинств 22.8%, а Бёрлингтона в списке городов с меньшинствами вовсе нет. Это не удивительно, если вспомнить, что всего неделю назад говорил Илья. А он говорил, что в прошлом и позапрошлом столетиях Бёрлингтон был центром канадского ку-клукс-клана...

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Здесь было бы неплохо пояснить термин visible minority. Он в Канаде называет людей, которые, во-первых, не относятся к первым нациям (то есть не индейцы, не аборигены) и, во-вторых, не являются представителями белой, европейской расы или цвет кожи которых не является белым. Некоторые понимают его как другое название не-белых людей, но это неправильное понимание (см. выше про аборигенов). Правительство Канады, считая, что люди неспособны различить языки, расы и цвета кожи, соорудило список тех, кого следует считать видимым меньшинством, но тем самым ещё больше запутало дело.

Столь лукавое толкование в законе понятия visible minority и путаница со стороны государства часто становятся причиной юридических и иных казусов. Взять латиноамериканцев с арабами. Не секрет, что многие из них на белых не похожи, а их кожа не совсем бела, так что фактически, visibly, на вид, они - меньшинство, однако, по закону они - белые, и это не делает их счастливыми. Почему? Да потому, что в Канаде быть видимым меньшинством выгодно (а также выгодно быть, прошу прощения за невольные сексизм и что там ещё, женщиной, геем, инвалидом). Если ты меньшинство, тебе могут отдать предпочтение при найме на работу. И так далее. Но что арабы с мексиканцами! Пару дней назад в "Toronto Star" прочитал статью о забавном случае. Сержант Сандху, пенджабец, прослуживший в брэмптоновской полиции четверть века, стало быть, visible minority, подал в суд на городскую полицию, которая, проигнорировав его, взяла на инспекторские (офицерские) позиции других его коллег, а именно, "представителей наций, принадлежащих к расовым меньшинствам" (racialized minorities). И кто, вы думаете, был назван расовым меньшинством? Белые, не то греки, не то португальцы! По совести говоря, между нами, греки с португальцами, действительно, находятся в Брэмптоне в меньшинстве. Но какая ирония! До чего дожили! Видимое меньшинство бодается с расовым меньшинством!

В связи с этим у меня появилась занятная идея. Интересно, если я подам заявление на позицию инспектора, возьмут меня, нет? Ведь я в Канаде, можно сказать, в единственном экземпляре. Скажусь-ка я invisible visible racialized minority!

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Сто одна шутка брэмптоновцев про самих себя.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM BRAMPTON WHEN...
1. you can speak/understand several languages native to the asian continent.
2. you can curse effectively in at least 5 languages.
3. you go to Shoppers' World or Bramalea and you see almost everyone you've ever known, REUNION!
4. you've seen an authentic Indian dance as part of a highschool talent show (which was either followed by a rap battle, or another Indian dance).
5. you see more people wearing turbans than baseball caps.
6. you've been to Sonny's at least once, and even though they may have told you they don't take debit, you know they really do.
7. you've played pool at the Wizard's Castle
8. you always smell (like) curry.
9. you've referred to your school as "the ghetto".
10. you've given up on ever seeing a white pizza delivery man.
11. you purposely call Atlas Taxis in order to get the only white driver in the GTA.
12. you have friends from ethnic orgins/religious backgrounds that most other Canadians didn't know existed.
13. you recognize Cricket to be Brampton's official sport.
14. you eat at the Mandarin for every major occasion.
15. you've celebrated at least one birthday at Laser Quest, Discovery Zone and/or the McDonalds one Main St. (or maybe even the legit one in Georgetown if you were a high roller).
16. you're white, yet you still know how to rap, freestyle or beat-box.
17. you know not to go down Main Street when a soccer team wins - mainly Portugal, Italy or England.
18. you thought Gage Park was the place to be winter time, the ice donut, nuff said.
19. you thought the Century Gardens waterslide or the Balmoral Rope was the ultimate entertainment.
20. you go away to university and naturally make friends with all the brown people.
21. you've raced a GT down Major Oaks at least once.
22. you are used to waiting in that HUGE line at the Dairy Queen on Queen Street in the summer, only to be served by a twelve year old that doesn't put NEARLY enough cookie dough in your blizzard.
23. 14 year-old 'gangsters' have tried to fight you at Silver City before being picked up by their parents after the 6:10 show. (Shiiiiit, that ain't gangsta)
24. you refer to Brampton as 'Bramrock', "B-Dot", 'B-Town', 'Bramladesh', 'Browntown' or 'Singhdale'.
25. you've almost been shot or stabbed at a Crack Time (Coffee Time).
26. all of the fields that you remember as a kid are now sub-divisions.
27. you swell up with pride every time you see the 'All Roads Lead to Brampton" sign at the airport!
28. you've been to at least one Canada Day fireworks at Ching.
29. you remember when they built the Wal-Mart on Bovaird.
30. you've bought and/or sold samosas at a school event.
31. you know that the 80km limit on Bovaird is a tease, because when it isn't covered in snow it's definitely covered in construction. (Always has been, always will be.)
32. you can't resist giving a loud shout-out to Brampton every time Russell Peters is mentioned (even though he sold out and is living in California now).
33. you complain constantly that Brampton is so boring, but when some jackass from Mississauga (etc.) says the same thing, you're the first person to pont out its gangsta qualities.
34. you shiver with fear when you pass the cult-esque church on Kennedy.
35. you remember when Gateway 6, Centennial and 410 & 7 were THE illest theatres to watch movies at.
36. you know that Brampton is known as the 'Flower City', but you have NO idea why (unless you check Wikipedia).
37. at least half of your highschool worked at the closest grocery store (usually a Food Basics or a No Frills).
38. you've been swimming in either Heart Lake or Professors Lake, and you know ALL about the jeep, the crane, and all the other spooky stuff at the bottom.
39. you remember how BCC and Shoppers' USED to look.
40. you have at least one Sandy Kennedy note-pad in your house.
41. you thought the pile of sand at Professors Lake was a real 'beach'.
42. a cricket bat has been used as a weapon in a fight at your school.
43. you no longer think it's even remotely funny/unusual to see a congregation of barefoot Indians sitting in a circle at a local park.
44. you've been a Bramjammer, a leader, or at the very least know what they are.
45. you've worked for the City - either at a pimpin' Parks job, or a slave-labour Recs job.
46. you know how to pronounce (and maybe even spell) the word 'Chinguacousy'.
47. you've considered converting religions so that you too can carry around a ceremonial dagger, and when you know that dagger is in fact called a kirpan. (You also know that it isn't worth the hassle, since the poor guys aren't even supposed to use them.)
48. you've seen an old Indian man on a bike ride the length of Kennedy Road with perfect posture and the kickstand down.
49. you've seen a turban shaped swimming cap at National Sports.
50. your highschool didn't have a football team (or if it did, it sucked, and nobody cared) but it sure had Cricket Teams A, B, C, D & E.
51. you know that Ching is really a pile of trash covered in dirt, but you don't really care, because it's Brampton's only ski hill!
52. you feel like you live in an exotic city because you vividly remember the saga of the Professor's Lake piranah.
53. you're out of town, and you've debated whether or not to just say 'Toronto' when people ask you where you're from, but you always settle for 'just outside of Toronto'.
54. you know not to go anywhere NEAR the Brampton Mall after sunset. Unless, of course, you are ballsy enough to be going to Crystal Bowl, the only alley in Canada where you can rent shoes and buy crack from the same person.
55. you've ever made the task of choosing teams easier by declaring 'brown against white'. (Of course, the white team always ends up with a few brown guys to keep the numbers even.)
56. the brown people are legit enough to keep giving the white people even better Brampton stereotypes because they know it's all in good fun.
57. your local newspaper has a price printed on it, but you know they aren't fooling anyone cuz that bitch is FREE (and you'd rather get the Pennysaver anyways).
58. you know that the Howard Johnson on Queen & Kennedy isn't fooling anyone either, because it IS and will ALWAYS be the Rosetown Inn, no matter how many times they clean up the blood and change the sign.
59. your middle school collectively went to, and fought, another middle school.
60. you remember spending Friday nights ice skating at Ken Giles before they turned it into an indoor soccer field (which, for the record, is pretty legit).
61. you've attended at least ONE Loafers Lake dance.
62. you know at least five people people with each of the following name suffixes: 'inder', 'deep', 'jit' and 'jot'...and NONE of them have accents.
63. you know that the Major Oaks parking lot at night is a better place to get stabbed than to get laid... but you go there anyways.
64. even the snow is brown
65. you have no interest in strip clubs anymore because the only one that comes to mind is the Shield and Sword on Queen St., which makes you want to put on a sweater.
66. you know about, and have probably experienced, Purple City.
67. you yourself, or at least one friend or relative has worked/works at the Chrysler Plant.
68. your principal calls down students with last names beginning with 'S' on picture day, and you feel the ground shake as 80% of the school stands up.
69. you know that the parking lot at Trinity Common will be as chaotic as a yard sale in Springdale.
70. you left home for university, and you're the brownest person on campus.
71. you know that it's Queen St. and Main St., not Hwy 7 and Hwy 10.
72. you don't really know what Chan's serves as meat, but it's cheap and there are Chinese people there, so it's good enough for you.
73. you pull up to a light between two cars and one has 11 guys in it blasting bhangra, and the other is a '94 Civic pumping beatz (yes, beatz).
74. you don't have to look up how to spell (or the definition of) 'bhangra'.
75. you have neighbours that cook, hang out and/or LIVE in the garage of the house next door.
76. you've ever done a night mission to Eldorado or White Spruce Park.
77. there are more places to buy Indian food than fast food joints combined (but it doesn't matter because they all serve veggie patties anyways).
78. you remember when the Chinese mall at Kennedy & Clarence used to have a Chucky Cheese (and you miss it).
79. you're embaressed at the ghetto-ness of Club Downtown, Brampton's premiere 'night club' (but you go anyways).
80. you remember the location of at least one Brampton K-Mart (Queen & 410, Shoppers' World, etc.) especially the one at Main & Vodden which became Towers, then a Zellers, and now, more famously, Raxx.
81. you've been to the old jail downtown (the Heritage Complex) as a kid and were freaked out by the creepy guy in the cell.
82. you have been to at least one Brampton Santa Claus Parade (and you knew someone in it).
83. you know about Carabram, and yes, you've had a passport (and you yes, you may even have gotten hammered there).
84. you are stopped and seached, seemingly without reason, by Peel's finest, only to find that one of your friends has and oz on him (and the thing that you are maddest about, is that he was holding out).
85. you have learned to live with the *eye-roll* and *sigh* that come right after you tell anyone you're from Brampton ("Ohhh, you're from Brampton...")
86. you've taken the hour-long bus ride from City Centre to Finch station on the #77.
87. you remember swimming, bike riding and playing man-hunt in the gravel pit, long before they sold the 'Lakelands' for $260,000 a piece.
88. you've almost lost your life at a Mac's, a Becker's or a Hasty Market.
89. you actually look forward to going to Jack's Backyard and Raxx, since you know that's the best Brampton's got to offer.
90. you remember the Jumbo Video that used to be beside Toys R Us, but you know why it's gone, since nobody ever rented movies there, just took the free popcorn.
91. there was only one white guy in 12U Calculus, and only one brown guy in 12U English.
92. you know that all the big movie theatres play Bollywood movies (and you can even pronounce the titles).
93. everybody knows exactly why there are fireworks in November.
94. you have never, EVER called Peel Memorial the 'William Osler Health Centre' (and you never will).
95. you've heard the story of why Central Peel doesn't have a football team at least a million times (and heard at least a million different versions).
96. hair braiding and dominoes were the most popular activities in you highschool cafeteria (eating was a distant third).
97. you will admit that the new transit buses look up to the task, but still know it's quicker to walk to wherever you're going.
98. your highschool wasn't so big on Christmas, but you had some kick-ass Diwali & Eid celebrations!
99. you've seen people haggle over prices everywhere from flea markets to department stores.
100. you, or at least someone you know, took driving lessons at Ultimate Drivers and were taught by the infamous Tony.
101. you have been to the Denny's on Queen Str. and have been served by Malaker - no matter what time you went he was working.

Copyright © 2006-2007
This <...> is just for a laugh, and is in NO way intended to offend.<...>

Источник: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2218604857/
Tags: Брэмптон, жить в Канаде
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